No strings attached.

So I’m home alone while my partner is gone for the week, dog sitting for his parents. I had just reheated some pasta for my dinner and wanted to put something on that wasn’t going to need a big emotional investment from me, so I went to comedies on Prime and ended up selecting No Strings Attached.

It came out in 2011 around the same time as Friends With Benefits and I remember people complaining at the time that the two were very similar. I have seen the latter but never the former before so I figured why not (my rigatoni carbonara was delicious by the way!).

Fun fact (if you, like me, are easily pleased sometimes), Ashton Kutcher stars in No Strings Attached and Mila Kunis starred in Friends With Benefits, two competiting films released in the same year with the same premise.. and now they are married, to eachother!

Ok.. maybe not fun per say.. but, potentially noteworthy.

It was a fairly typical storyline.. two friends decide to get physical with the promise that there would be ‘no strings attached’, if anyone ‘caught feels’ as the kids might say, they would simply stop doing it. Now, if you haven’t seen it I won’t spoil it for you, but it’s fairly obvious that in this sort of movie that arrangement doesn’t work out in the end.

But, there’s a montage (obviously) of them meeting to sate their carnal desires, at all times of the day and night: sneaking off to the disabled toilet at the hospital (one of them is a doctor), middle of the night meet up’s at their apartments, there’s a shower stall, an operating room.. meeting in a car park and getting straight to it in the backseat of the car.

Image result for no strings attached

All very passionate, not a lot of talking. They meet up, get it on, and go their seperate ways.. and this got me thinking. Do people really do that? Do people have purely physical relationships or involvements where they are both ready for action simply upon seeing eachother time and time again, no awkwardness, no talking, no romance, no pretense.. just pure sexual exploration and fulfilment?

I’m certainly not judging it if they do, it’s just not something I have ever experienced, or heard real people talk about you know? I’d be lying if I said I was never temped to go home with an attractive stranger, or take a friendship to a more physical level like that.. but I never did it.

Trigger Warning: I’m going to be really honest here, apologies if it upsets anyone.

I have experienced sexual trauma, and although I tried to pretend it didn’t exist or affect my life in any way, it very clearly had an impact on my ability to experience intimacy. Emotional intimacy was terrifying enough for me and I struggled with that for years (and still do now but at least I know that, and have sought therapy for my trauma) so a lot of the time physical imtimacy was a big no go for me.

Sure, I had my fair share of drunken smooches on nights out but I never really let it get any further, those barriers would slam down around me pretty quickly, though I was never really honest about why I backed off or how I was feeling.. no way could my brain handle that.

I’ve talked about it with some of my friends before, some of them have had one night stands, or tried/had a friends with benefits kind of arrangement, some people are completely against the idea of casual sex.. each to their own is my personal opinion. It’s not always a happy ending but it’s rare that they’ve actually regretted it, it was a bit of fun.. or something they thought would be fun and then they stopped when it wasn’t, no hard feelings (or some hard feelings depending on who stopped it).

I’m not really a big fan of the different ways Hollywood has represented women over the years, we’re damsels in distress, we’re cold and unfeeling, we just need a man to come along and love us blah blah blah. I think men and women both can be equally interested or uninterested in sex, and it shouldn’t be shameful for anyone. If you want to go out and explore and be open, then do it!

Have I daydreamed about it? Sure. Do I wish I had opened up and experienced some of these things.. maybe, I couldn’t say for sure. I know I’m happy with my relationship now and I wouldn’t want to change it, so if I could go back in time and deal with my shit, go out and enjoy some of those things a bit more.. I wouldn’t be where I am now, but I’d hope that if I did.. I’d be happy with my stories.

If you found any of this interesting or feel like sharing your own thoughts and/ or experiences please let me know, I’d love to chat about it!

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17 thoughts on “No strings attached.

  1. I’m sorry you had a traumatic experience, that must be awful. I was in long term relationships from age 17 to 36, so I missed out on the time when most people are having their sexual experiences and experiments. I made up for it though and had a wild six months, but my self esteem was at rock bottom and I did things that were pretty stupid. I guess it got it out of my system though! After that I met Adam and things have been like tumbleweed since we split nearly 3 years ago, but I don’t really miss it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Lots of people have their wild experiences later in life if they didn’t have them previously, I’m all for it as long as it’s consensual and you’re happy. Oh I did wonder how long since you’d split, have you always maintained a friendship or did you have to steer clear for a while after?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We were together for 14 months, he ended it in December 2018 and I was a bit heartbroken because I didn’t really understand why. We met 3 weeks after his marriage ended so he never really processed it and I think that was part of the reason. Anyway, we stayed in touch because I always hoped we’d get back together, and even if that wasn’t on the cards I’d always be fond of him and didn’t want to lose him as a friend.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I would imagine it would be very hard not to have those kinds of barriers with a history of sexual trauma.

    I had some one-night stands when I was younger, but friends with benefits has always seemed like it would be a lot more difficult to do without all kinds of feels getting caught up in it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I find it interesting though that some people go completely the other way and sleep around because they think that’s all they are good for.

      I mean I could be wrong but I don’t think anyone’s successfully pulled that off with both parties coming out completely unscathed.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry to read about your experience. I cannot begin to understand what it must have been (and maybe still is) like for you!
    I’ve been in a relationship from age 18 to 38. Not with the same person though. I had a boyfriend since my 18th. When I was 26, I met a young woman I liked her, she liked me and after two years of her visiting my boyfriend and me almost every weekend, she decided to move in with us. We lived as a threesome for several years. When I was 32 our girlfriend wanted something different in her life so she moved out. I still saw her every other weekend but it was hard. I then found out that my bf was sleeping with someone else and he was lying about it. So a few months after GF left, I broke up with bf. I didn’t have anything planned, but GF asked if I wanted to live with her. I moved in and 13 months later we were married… Unfortunately several things happend and after only 4 years of marriage, she dumped my sorry behind and for the first time I was really on my own…
    So while I have several experiences with sexual things, I never really went wild. I had one one-night-stand before I met my BF, I had a few boyfriends that I had been with, sexually… But for me, sex was never the most important thing in the relationship. I sometimes do miss it, being single for 3 years, no flings happened… But I’m not sure if I’m sorry about that or not…

    Sorry, while life story… But after you shared so much, it made me want to share as well. Hope you didn’t mind…

    I now don’t mind being on my own but I would be open to meeting someone new, to allowing myself to love again… 😊

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh wow, no of course I don’t mind thanks for sharing. What an interesting life you’ve led!

      Do you think you’d be open to a partner of any gender now? I’ve joked to my partner before that as I’m pansexual I might like to introduce someone else but I’m too selfish because I wouldn’t want to actually share him with anyone and it would be no fair of me to do it.

      Sex has never been the most important thing for me either but obviously I can’t say it things had happened differently how I would feel, but I’ve always been a sensitive and emotional person so I think I’d be fairly similar in that regard.


  4. I’m so sad about what happened to you!! Feel free to come and find me if you ever want to talk! I can’t relate to sexual trauma but I’d always try to be a good listener!! I’m glad you’ve sought treatment!! That’s very proactive!!

    I sort of disapprove of FWB because I’m never convinced that both parties can be emotion-free about it from the start and beyond. I just have this sense of, it’s not going to work out, someone’s going to get hurt. But like you, of course, I’m not going to judge anyone if they’re over 18 and it’s consensual. I just have this innate mistrust of the arrangement. But if it does truly work for all involved, then heck yeah!

    There’s this guy I played Words With Friends with on FB for years, and he kept coming onto me. He’s in Wisconsin, I’m in Kentucky, it wouldn’t be undoable for me to travel there. I have to admit I toyed with the idea, but it didn’t feel quite right to me, and… I don’t know… I knew we’d never be more than FWB or whatever because he and I come from different worlds. Now he has a girlfriend and we no longer play Words With Friends. [Makes face.] I’m happy for him, don’t get me wrong! But part of me will always wonder, what if? Huh.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you I really appreciate that!

      I’m totally with you on that, I honestly don’t believe both parties would be 100% ok with it but fair play to anyone that has and is, they are braver than me 🙂

      Oh yeah that is interesting, I suppose it depends if you’d want to go for a one time thing and that be it or if you’d want more, not that either are bad but you do have to know yourself and what you’re comfortable with.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for sharing, I am so sorry to hear of your trauma. In answer to you question, I have definitely had relationships like this before. They do serve there purpose but don’t get me wrong I have had my fair share of messy FWB situations too. I don’t think you’re ever too old to have some wild stories. I am in my 30s and still enjoying my single life (until the right person comes along) my only advice is to have honest communication – it is so important to have clear boundaries in any relationship and FWB are no different! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for commenting and sharing your experiences, I think you’re absolutely right your relationships with anyone can look however you want them to but open communication is always going to be the best thing for it x


  6. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced sexual trauma. Thank you for sharing that here and for asking these important questions about sex and relationships. Personally, I’ve tried the no-strings thing a couple of times and we *always* catch feels – I think it’s just the nature of letting go and being intimate with someone. You share something very personal with them and it’s natural to start feeling attached. I’ve come to realise that no-strings isn’t something I want – I think having a connection there makes sex so much more pleasurable! xx

    Liked by 1 person

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