Do I deserve good things?
Some days I get mad that I would even need to consider this, of course I do, doesn’t everyone..
But in the cold light of day, and the heavy dark that the night brings with it, it’s much easier to believe that I don’t. To lean into, and even rely on the cold comfort, the familiar sting of my self hate, self doubt, the brutal lack of self respect.
I try to avoid mirrors, not because I am scared there will be a ghost (well sometimes, thanks to horror books/movies and my overactive imagination) but because I hate what I see. Worse than that, I vocalise that hatred, I tell myself I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m worthless, nobody likes me..
Positive affirmations. I decided I should at least give them a try, I mean, it’s not like telling myself horrible things is getting me anywhere in life, shouldn’t I try and see what being kinder, and maybe a little hopeful brings?
I bought some cards from a wonderful woman owned business called Pink Thunder, and then I probably left them unopened for a week or more because I was feeling too anxious to open them up and have a look.
I did a bit of research, some people read the same affirmations every day, and some people read new ones daily, but I was in a pretty dark, heavy place mentally and I didn’t think I could add that into my life just yet. So I decided to look at one card, one message, once a week and try to reflect on it.
‘I let go of any fears, worries or self judgement’ – This immediately felt like an attack to me. I know that it wasn’t but as someone who has spent their whole life fearful and worried about every little thing, judging myself for never being good enough it was like the card was calling me out directly.
Looking at it objectively, it’s obviously a good thing to work towards. Freeing myself of that weight could only be a good thing, but it certainly wasn’t going to happen overnight.
To make it a little more palatable (I had to google the spelling of this word after realising I’d said it, heard it, but never written it down), I also decided to put it in a picture with my dog because one, he is cute AF, and two, I like to share as much as I can (when I have the mental and physical capacity to do so) about my struggles because you never know who else is right there with you. Maybe it can help us all.
I took the first card, put it on the bed and the dog immediately came to see what it was so it was easy enough for me to get the picture, and then I posted it on my social media.
‘I leave my comfort zone because there is so much magic outside of it’ – This one wasn’t so bad.
I already knew that when I’d pushed myself before; to go to a concert, meet a new friend, even jump out of a plane for charity (madness I know), that I had had some amazing experiences that would never have happened if I’d let myself stay hidden away, safe but alone, and unhappy.
Of course that doesn’t mean I manage this all the time, I can still spend weeks on end hiding in my house when the depression gets bad, or when my anxiety, ptsd or chronic pain is flaring. What’s important is that I recognised this message to be true, I could believe it because I had done it before, and maybe I could do it again.